my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
