i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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