i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Randomize
