drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
