so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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