please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
