Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
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