The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Randomize
