Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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