when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
So squirting runs in the family.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
