I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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