I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Randomize
