Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
