dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
