I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
