I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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