I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
