I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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