I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Randomize
