On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
