Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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