What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
