if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Randomize
