It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
50% drunk capacity currently
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Randomize
