Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
