A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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