im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
