Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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