My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
