final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
These tits shall not be calmed
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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