Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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