I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
The feeling are messing with the penis
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
