Apparently you make a good broom.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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