I'm passing your future prison.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Randomize
