Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
it hurts more in the daytime
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize
