she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
