I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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