Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
and she was petting her beer can
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
True strength comes from lack of pants
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
