Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Randomize
