Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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