thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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