um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
