i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
