If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
