3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
