he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
