I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
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