I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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