i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
