my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
