me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
