At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
