He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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