Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
