You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
