Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
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