ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
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