My sheets look like a crime scene.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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