Where is the hickey?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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