i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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