Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
This ain't no lie cnn says sonny n cher's dtr chastity is going to have sex reassignment surgery to become a man named chaz
Not surprised. I always thought Cher was a very passable post op transexual.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
